Pre-emptive shifting of All Blame

Roy Hodgson pulls a full face. Hahaha, look at the funny face. Photograph: Sean Dempsey/PA

MR ROY TAKES HART

On Tuesday night, Queen's Celtic came this close to holding Barcelona, a team regarded by some as the greatest of all time, to a goalless draw with 10 men. They didn't quite manage it, but you'd have a brass neck if you were to blame Fraser Forster, who sounds like a legal firm with an in at Ibrox but is in fact the goalkeeper over at Parkhead, for the defeat. His ludicrous late double save from Neymar and Alexis Sánchez scored 9.98 on the Fiver's patented Big Cup Dudekometer, and during the rest of the match he did quite a lot of catching with his hands and clearing with his feet too. It wasn't too far short of a masterclass in keeping goal at the very top level. Queen's Celtic fans could be forgiven for remembering the days of Rab Douglas, wondering what might have been had Forster starred in that 2003 team, and shivering. And crying. Then sighing with relief for the here and now.

Meantime, any Manchester City fans who have ever wondered what it would have been like to watch Rab Douglas week in, week out, will probably have an approximate idea now. For Joe Hart has been a fixture in the goalmouths of the City of Manchester Stadium for some time, skittering around like a clown with oversized shoes wedged onto the wrong feet, laces flapping undone and about to wrap themselves around the spokes of the unicycle he's riding, all accompanied by the baroque trill of the pipe organ. He's definitely going to drop that tray he's carrying, the one with a teetering pyramid of cut-crystal decanters on it! He's also taken to regularly dispatching balls into his own net, as witnessed in last night's display against Bayern Munich, which certainly isn't part of the job spec. Oh Spirit of Rab! How could you!

Truth be told, poor Hart could probably do with a couple of weeks out of the firing line, sitting alone in a darkened room, regulating his breathing patterns, then slowly reacquainting himself with his mojo. There's hope for him yet. But there's no chance of that. For coming soon is Disappointment Week, the Fiver's attempt to manage y'all's expectations just in case England make a royal-standard balls and sack of these crucial World Cup qualifiers against Montenegro and Poland. Current form suggests Forster would be the best bet for the games, but though he's been named in the squad, England middle manager Mr Roy has explicitly stated that Hart will keep goal in both matches.

"In these games we need experience, we need people who are tried and tested and play regularly at the top level," began Mr Roy. "If you look at the goalkeepers we have with those criteria, Hart is clearly the No1," he continued, without touching on why England's second and third choice keepers have only one cap between them. "We're pleased with Fraser, we think he's done really well and I think he's got a great future. But certainly I think it will be a mistake to suggest that he should be given the responsibility of these two vitally important games. The players who have the most experience are the ones who have to make certain that they deserve it and that they are worthy of it in these two games." And so, with no proactive decisions having been made, other than the pre-emptive shifting of All Blame for any future mishaps onto under-pressure players like Hart, Mr Roy was up and off, another day at the office successfully negotiated without too much incriminating fuss.

Full England squad to face Montenegro and Poland: Goalkeepers: Fraser Forster (Queen's Celtic), Joe Hart (Manchester City), John Ruddy (Norwich). Defenders: Leighton Baines (Everton), Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Phil Jones (Manchester United), Chris Smalling (Manchester United), Kyle Walker (Tottenham), Midfielders: Ross Barkley (Everton), Michael Carrick (Manchester United), Tom Cleverley (Manchester United), $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), James Milner (Manchester City), Andros Townsend (Tottenham), Jack Wilshere (Arsenal). Forwards: Jermain Defoe (Tottenham), Rickie Lambert (Southampton), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United), Daniel Sturridge (Liverpool), Daniel Welbeck (Manchester United). Manager, with access to the executive bathroom, key to the stationery cupboard, and a nice comfy seat in the stand: Roy Hodgson